Sometimes I just need to write…I love writing down my feelings, well in my journal at least. I express myself better in writing than I do any other way. Now writing them down for the world to see is a completely different thing. I am not sure why I have even felt like I needed to write about these topics, but I am slowly learning that it is easier to just listen and not question. I am not even sure it will come across as well as it is written in my heart.
I have struggled a lot over the past year. I moved to a new town, not knowing anyone. Struggled with my job, I thought it would get easier the second year teaching, but in fact it has only gotten harder. I have struggled with my relationship with the Lord, I lost my faith in Him, and that I was placed her for a reason in this very town and that it was plausible that I needed to go through these extravagant trials. I have spent many a nights crying, and not understanding, yet this only made me angrier at the Lord and draw myself away from Him, when in reality I know He is the one person I should have been drawing closer to in all of this. I lost my purpose. I lost all my hope. My heart has spent many of lonely days not understanding.
Shortly after my birthday this summer, I kind of had a realization. This is going to be hard to explain it exactly. I know that I am not by any means old, but I got to thinking that I would be turning 25 next year. This will be my golden birthday. I have honestly been looking forward to this for years. Why? Who knows, that is just how I am. But this has had me thinking a lot. If anyone would have asked me 10 years ago or even 5 years ago if I thought this how my life would be right now, I would have positively said absolutely not. I never thought I would be 24, graduated from college, have a professional job in a foreign town, single and honestly feeling like I have withdrawn myself from the outside the world.
I have decided that I need to make my own happiness. I have been so focused on a job that is making me miserably unhappy, I have forgotten what hobbies I even like. I am dedicating the next 9 months of my life to my happiness. Some people may take that as a very selfish statement, but there are many areas in my life I really want to work on.
Spiritually- I am working on finding my Savior again. This is a slow process, but I know He loves me unconditionally and is waiting with His arms outstretched for me to accept Him and allow Him to take away my hurt and pain. I have been reading the book The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox. I highly recommend this book. I am only a couple chapters in, but I have learned so much about understanding the atonement in this life. One particular part I am really liked and plan to use as my motto to help get me through this tough school year is “He doesn’t always take burdens away from us, but He strengthens us for the task of carrying them and promises they will be for our good.” I can tell the difference in many areas of my life including my attitude when I let the Savior be a part of it.
Physically- My physical body has been threw a tremendous whirlwind the past 4 years. I went from losing an excessive amount of weight, to gaining twice as much. Most people wouldn’t understand unless they understood my medical, but it has been tremendously hard on me. I have finally decided to take control of this. As much as I have been trying to lose weight, I have finally decided it is more important to be healthy and happy, as long as I am still making an effort than be discouraged that I am not losing weight. I finally understand what foods will make me sick…not always but I trying to understand. I am finally accepting the fact that I can be in control of my body, and that I don’t have the metabolism of a 12 year old. My roommate and I always argue about why I am such a healthy eater and try very hard to limit junk food; comparatively I have never seen him eat anything remotely healthy. It is almost depressing. I finally understand I would rather miss out on the deliciousness of Oreo’s (seriously a weakness) then end up on my couch curled up because my stomach hurts so badly. I have learned the importance of allowing myself to spend time on me instead of school. I am trying to channel that time into the gym. I love going running, I am not near as good as it as I would like to be, but I am not giving up. I am hoping to run a half marathon by next summer. Keep your fingers crossed on that one.
Socially –Honestly I am not a social person. I am such a homebody it is depressing. I am perfectly content with spending time with myself. I like to have a wing woman to do things with. Throughout college this was easy because I always had a roommate, or a friend or my sister who was always willing to go along with my craziness. I always had someone to go to church with. I think this is why I struggled going for so long this past year is because I didn’t know anyone, and I wasn’t making it appoint to get to know anyone. I am trying to change that. It is hard for me to let me to let people into my life because I have been hurt so many times. I am truly making an effort to try and get to know people in my ward. This is huge for me. Honestly it takes everything in me to go to FHE or institute, or anything involving people I don’t know.
Personally- I really didn’t know what else to label this. I really want to spend the next year rediscovering my hobbies. I used to love to scrapbook, I honestly can’t even remember the last time I finished a page, and my poor sewing machine has been terribly neglected…it is probably collecting dust. I want to travel a lot this next year. I have always wanted to go to Europe when I was 25 for my golden birthday…I think this goal just might happening sooner than planned. As of right now, it looks like I will be going to Paris in February for some training, and then to Italy and Greece in March. (Both trips free). I couldn’t be more excited. I am living by the quote “Travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer.” I am also working on remembering my good worth, what I like about me, and what I have to offer other people as positive qualities.
Education- When I graduated from BYU-Idaho I wasn’t going to get a teaching job, I was going to go get my Master’s degree, but plans change. I have had a lot of talks about this with my mother and my bishop lately and I think I need to start working on this now. I am not happy with my job and I think that they only way to change this is to continue my education. I am working on getting ready to take the GRE and then apply to Grad schools…the question is where and what I want to go into. Change is good…I just have to keep telling myself this.
Dating- This is a huge struggle for me. Honestly I don’t date much. My mother always says I just intimidate people with my beauty. Of course a mother would say that. I think it has a lot to do with my shyness, and the fact I unfortunately dedicate myself too much to my work. I had my heart broken pretty bad this year… honestly the circumstances were weird, we dated on and off for the past three years and then suddenly I get a text saying he was engaged. It took a good long day of crying but then I was over it, we both knew it was never right between us, and it would have never worked, but it still hurt. I was recently listening to Lady Antebellum, they seriously have a lot of songs help me get through this year…I didn’t even know I liked them that much, but I have decided this is going to be my new song, "Ready to love again" I am going to put myself out there…yikes.
Now that I have written way too much and way too personal, but let’s be real the only person who will probably read this Brockton…. Who still owes me a toaster, and probably Mal. haha
